“What Did Corona Do To Jesus?!”

“Nothing!”

I recently-ish watched 2025, A World Enslaved by A Virus. Christian cinema is generally terrible and this was no exception. However, I love a good wild conspiracy theory movie because the government is generally trash and so am I, so obviously trash movies appeal to me.

That said, these types of fundamentalist persecution movies always overlook blatant, obvious corruption in favor of obscure theories about blood drinking democratic vampires building child-trafficking colonies on Mars which like did every conservative conveniently forget Nathan Larson, a pro-pedophilia, pro-incest, pro-rape, white supremist ran for the Republican party of conservative family values? Roy Moore was a Republican. Trump called his own daughter hot. Matt Gaetz??? Like we really do not need to make up absurd theories to see neither party has the moral high-ground over this issue, nor do they care about the well-being of children.

Anyway, I’m not gonna pretend I watched this entire movie, which honestly negates this review, but I’m trying to get back into blogging 3x a week after taking a Forbidden West induced hiatus and this is all I could think of blogging about on a rainy, Wednesday night.

*Spoilers*

2025 shockingly takes place in the year 2025, which if it had been set in like 2035 maybe I’d buy it, but everyone speaks fluent English? In 3 years? Nah, fam.

The movie begins with Glasses Dude being arrested for vague reasons by cops who cannot shoot a gun. Soon, Glasses Dude reminisces with Cop 1, because the government has banned weddings, concerts, and ice cream. Next, there’s about 20 minutes of them talking poor English in a dark room, which normally I wouldn’t comment on but like the directors are German and chose to make a movie in English. The ban on everything presumably explains why it’s always raining and no one is out on the streets as I assume the government has also banned umbrellas and raincoats, forcing people to stay indoors.

We meet Some Woman and they’re in someone’s house. At this point, I still don’t know anyone’s names, nor their relation to each other, and the movie is so dark I can’t really make out anyone’s faces. However, I do know one of the dudes in this movie was dating his wife when she was under aged, which since this movie is generally about the decay of morality in society, that seems kinda sus. Anyway, they preach again for 20 minutes, then spray paint fishes in the Woods and tunnels. Even now, there are droves of anti-vax Christians roaming around the Woods and tunnels of Germany, so this make tons of sense. Like they already have a rubric for this sort of religious censorship via China, North Korea, and Russia, but I guess writing fanfiction is a lot more interesting than creating anything based on reality?

Anyway, while spray painting trees they’re attacked by Cop 2. Some Woman is shot and Glasses Dude abandons her; like homeboy really dipped after all that preaching.

A wild Blond Mask appears. He saves Some Woman and they all run off. Scene change! A random person sits in a green room while electric music plays in the background, reading stuff on Wikipedia. Obviously a hacker despite only being capable of Googling information.

This person turns out to be Holly the Hacker who wants to help. Rather than just say that, we get a 10 minute conversation repeating information we’ve already heard, which is that Holly wishes she could experience things like eating ice cream. I’m confused – it’s been 5 years since 2020. Has Holly never been to a concert or the beach ever in her entire life?

Holly the Hacker can hack all the phones of Christians in Germany, or the world (?), presumably because there’s an online database of (German?) Christians listing their phone numbers publicly for the government (who’s banned Christianity) to peruse. Seriously, why isn’t this database being used to burn Christians at the stake?

Oh by the way there is Curly Blonde in some side plot who is eating muesli and presumably warm milk that was left out overnight.

Anyway, Glasses Dude gives yet another sermon from atop a truck to about 5 people on how sad the world is, ruled by communists and the government, even saying the government decides when “they should die,” and their children are taken from them. Again, this is the same dude who was apparently dating a child at 14 while fully an adult so again… just a bit sus, my brother.

Side note: English is the global language – why does that stop people from speaking German in private with one another?

Anyway, we get a nice sequence of Glasses Dude and Some Other (?) Woman flirtatiously walking around some ruins as various places on the world go red.

We get another 15 minute conversation/sermon where my ability to suspend my disbelief fizzled because they’re handing each other CDs. Really? Not even USBs?

Anyway, this is where I decided I’d rather die for the 509th time in Sekiro over finishing this movie. I let it play in the background and apparently after the same car chase we saw in the beginning, he’s taken out into the woods and shot at night. I thought Christianity was illegal, so what’s the need for all this secrecy?

The movie could’ve possibly been coherent if they’d hired decent actors, hired a decent script writer, utilized far more subtlety, and framed it as an issue of government overreach rather than as Christian fundamentalist persecution fanfiction. It would still be whack but at least plausible because being told to wear masks and get vaccinated are not examples of persecution. No doubt the writers of the Bible, who were sawn in half, stoned, and stabbed to death with swords for preaching the gospel, are surely trying to get God to amend the Bible ASAP to add “cancel culture” and “vaccine/mask mandates” to the list of things early day Christians were martyred over.

Anyway, I’ve had dreams about being a gold fish stuck in the land of World War Z with less plot holes than this.

2025: The World Enslaved By a Virus Rating: 2.2/10